21/6

back from kl! 4 day trip. left on thurs, just got back two hours ago. had alot of fun, fuck singapore, cheap beer and cheap cigarettes are the way to go! i hung out with vinesh and thanesh for the first two days. and yes, indian vegan food, cheap beer, world cup, punk shows, i could probably live like that for weeks. the guys from blindfold hero and her silent wish arrived on saturday morning at like 5am, and i went to meet them drunk as fuck. no sleep and smelling like shit, we went to the show at one cafe at 12noon and waited till 6pm when we got on. oh, i was session-ing for blindfold hero btw.

updating myself, im bumming around again and im broke as shit. i got my second national service letter which is weird because i deferred it like just 3 months back and im not even 18 yet. anyways, out with the old, in with the new. its time to not give a fuck about unworthy things and just have fun because yes, its do-able.

what could possibly go right

all time favourite quotes from ruiner songs that meant so much to me

“what the fuck do i know but broken hearts and unsung songs, i never had it hard enough so i drag my feet as much as i can. a product of excuses, brave only compared to some, i consider myself a lucky kid but im pretty good at fucking up”

“go ahead, say it, tell him how you were crushed. how perfect you can be, but dont mention how far you can spread your fucking legs. im sure that will get their fucking attention. yeah im sure you’ll just what you need. fuck”

“say this is jealousy that im feeling well that im fine with that, you have a certain characteristic that gives you the means to not feel a fucking thing for anyone that isn’t you, now tell me you’re not fucking selfish. every kind hearted word i spoke to you, i wish i could take back every syllable you ripped from my mouth as i screamed for you to understand what it feels like to not be as important as someone as they are to you. well i’ve been on both ends, lesson was learnt, now i tell the stories of collapsed lungs so maybe the fortunate can get a fighting chance to just cut and fucking run. fuck saying the right words, im sick of being your crutch. i will never pick you up again, dont show me that face, you know the one im talking about. you’ll never get under my skin again, not another word, im not sorry for shit. im leaving you breathless, broken, alive.”

“you can blame me if you want, you can hate me if you want. i have nothing more to give, i have nothing more to say. im gone.”

“not everybody is meant to be, nobody is meant for me. no one saves me from me, from me, i’ll always blame myself. i love a trainwreck, i love a sad song. maybe i do this for me, maybe you were right about, maybe you were right about me. some good things aren’t meant to be, nothing is meant for me. there is no fairy tale ending, there is no happily ever after, you just live, you just die, but maybe you’re a lucky one”

“you need me more than i need you. i wish that was true”

6/4

less than nine hours before i leave this place
well, not for very long, but its something
i hope im gone long enough to miss everyone and everything here
i’ll miss azura and the comfy bed, i’ll miss ylap and the beers
alexsan and the FREE beers, brian and the common insecurities
i hope im gone long enough to hate the other four dudes
i hope i’ll be back a better, more laid back person
i hope this will be a good break for the last shit four months of my life
hey you know what they say, if everyone refuses to understand, fucking run away
i hope im gone long enough for you to miss me

new record is done, all re-recorded and shit, im almost half-pleased with the sound
many thanks to keith (blindfold hero), brandon (fall of mirra), brian (reckless landing), azri (abolition), kiddy and yann for lending our your voices, once again
looking back, im pretty proud of where i’ve gotten
i hope it wont stop now

fall

a fall is still a fall, though the years i have wasted was never enough
through this hard brick wall, i can only hope sooner, i met this decay
and everything caves into a cold, dead grey
the loves we preserved, the lives we consumed
the sunrise never fails to remind how empty were our words
graze my knees and scrape my feet, i will walk the next miles
my guard help up high, the past i still cannot deny
its existence in every shake from every step that i take
to the soles of my feet, nostalgia from whats far away
whats ahead looks pretty weak, oh for heaven’s sake, let this be the last one
now there’s nothing left

26/3

brian, lihao and jimmy are going to serve the nation in august. sham in december. fuck we grow up way too fast. one day you’re rushing to get home by eleven after jamming, next thing you know you haven’t been home in 3 days, you’re borrowing every cent from every friend for that one more can of beer and that last pack of cigarettes you’ve promised yourself you’ll ever smoke in your life.
im leaving in a week! its been so anticipated that i bet the trip wouldn’t even feel so long. i hope i wont get anxiety attacks worrying about what might happen back home. mfoa is currently re-recording the 2008 ep with 3 new songs. which is why i am awake now, cos i gotta mix the shit. bla bla bla same shit different day.

part of a monologue

and she said “why dont you come over and i’ll show you something nice”

i counted and counted the numbers in my head.
i tried my best to re-evaluate the requirements of a slut.

8/3

its always the sleepless nights that get me

oh well.
i have a presentation due tomorrow and an important test on tuesday which i am both gonna skip
i have unwillingly and unknowingly become a loyal follower of procrastination
once you get into it, there’s no going out
these days and weeks might be rough but…
APRIL IS COMING
which means i am fucking leaving this place for a week and a half to play shows everyday
with one of my favourite hardcore bands
if a 13-year old boy ever had a dream when he saved up every cent he had for months to buy himself a cheap, shitty piece of wood called guitar (which literally broke less than 2 years later), this was it.
as much as i hate to leave my love for this period of time and as much as i know i’ll be stabbing myself for doing this,
i have to do it
after a horrible end of 2009 and start of 2010, the hardest time of my life i had to live through, i finally get a pinch of life’s momentary goodness once again.
even though, it would be nice to get the support and approval of the person that mean the most, just for that person to be happy for me, reaching a milestone in my young life, a dream achieved, a goal marked down.
i’ve lost everything and if there was one thing that i haven’t lost and still meant something, this was it.
and ‘if you can wait till i get home, i swear to you that we can make this last’

and im coming to terms that this life is shit and everything before is shit and everything after will be no more than similar, so i’ll just have to keep my usual silence and try my best to stay gold and maybe i won’t die with much regret or grief, because either way, i’ll lose. spite me, stab my back, gorge my eyes, lie to my face, try getting back at things i am still not guilty of. i guess everyone has gotta learn to let their love be. fuck myself, i’ll always love you.

nostalgia

so this is how its gonna be
i dont seem to get affected by your lying anymore

tear

today i heard the sun cry, i saw the waning moon sink
i know i’ve said the present is set by the past
and i heard our future crying
sit down, shut up, close an eye, both if i can
its for the best

stockholm syndrome

i know she’s wrong for me, she’s done me wrong again and again
she’s hurt me and she’ll hurt me again.
and never again will i be the same.
her million secrets, her million lies, i chose to bite my lips and close my eyes
i know what has and what goes once i look away, once i turned my back
nothing can change the haunting past
but i need her like the blood in my veins, like the beat in my heart
, like the air that i breathe
but right now, the air is polluted and im near suffocating